Work

Wednesday, January 29th, 2003

Picked this up via e-mail froma colleague…

Tips from Employees to their managers.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4.00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of the deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 5 minutes to enquire how I am doing. That really helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are gong. It gives me a chance to be really creative when someone asks me where you are.

4. If my arms are full of paper, boxes or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as if I had a physical disability, and opening doors without using arms is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If it gets out it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you do have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost complete. No point in confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much tax on the bonus you received for being such a good manager.

12. Be really nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

I can add one: be considerate when you spot me asleep at my desk… (No-one saw me when it happened to me earlier, I think.)

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I'm Andy Darley. Sometimes I want to say things. This is where I do it.