Jeffrey Archer has demanded a formal apology from the prison service for the way they've been treating him. What planet is he on?

Apparently he's not happy with what happened after he broke the terms of his home leave and went to Gillian Shepherd's party some months back (I feel for her – she's a decent sort and must be cringing with embarrassment every time people are reminded of it). He reckons other prisoners have done worse and been treated more leniently for it.

This may be true, but I bet not many of them persist in acting as if being jailed is some sort of mistake inflicted upon them by idiots who don't realise who they're dealing with.

Amusingly, his written complaint is 44 pages long – good old Jeffrey, why use one word when 100 will suffice? I bet the dialogue's crap, the facts are incorrect and the characters are one-dimensional too :o)

And one of his major complaints about the punishment that left him “baffled and horror struck”? They made him wear a red tracksuit. Poor love – it's so not his colour.