11 September 2004

Weight unknown (bathroom scales removed from bathroom by parents since childhood, v welcome surprise), cigarettes 0 (still – good), alcohol units 0 (was driving), chocolate-scented plush teddy bears bought 1 (was utterly adorable, could not avoid, also was remaindered so in fact excellent value for money and therefore a good thing), Cadbury's Dairy Milk Wafer Bars 1 (v bad indeed, but was brainwashed by artfully-arranged motorway service station checkout display, therefore am in fact innocent victim of monstrous consumerism and not weak-willed or greedy despite appearances)

3am: Have just watched recently purchased DVD of Bridget Jones's Diary on lap-top in bed at parents', away from flat and therefore not with intelligent and successful and not-at-all scatty girlfriend, who is at home. Am consumed with fear of dying as sad and lonely singleton, despite not in fact being single, or indeed lonely apart from tonight. Also do not plan to die in near future but aware this is not always subject to scheduling. Sleep tonight will doubtless be disturbed by lurid dreams of Renee Zellweger's thighs and of Hugh Grant and Colin Firth brawling in street for my affections.

Am also riven with guilt because long-overdue indulgence in much-anticipated chick flick (loved book, unaccountably failed to see film) has prevented me from writing witty and interesting report on previous day's walk on Sussex coast, with illustrations. Resolve to be more narratively-inclined and less distracted by popular culture, when have had more sleep. Must not disappoint possibly-adoring readers who rely on self for constant updates (with photos) on bucolic English life and thrill of great outdoors.

Was v public-spirited earlier and did good deed for day, remembering Boy Scout promise and general upbringing to be helpful. Saw car on M25 with what appeared to be dead ginger tomcat wrapped round exhaust, was most disgusted at heartless driver massacring innocent wildlife etc, but then saw was in fact bundle of paper and cardboard. Driver v cool-looking dude in aviator shades (actually, on reflection, looked something of a knob). Accelerated next to him in roadworks (40mph, quite safe) and flapped hands at him.

Idiot knobhead did not look sideways for absolutely ages (no mirror discipline, v bad indeed) but eventually saw me and wound down window. I yelled 'you've got a load of paper wrapped round your exhaust' and he raised one languid hand from wheel in acknowledgement, pulled over onto hard shoulder once through roadworks. Was v pleased to have avoided major conflagration caused by combustible material on hot exhaust, as experienced once by snooker star Jimmy White near Cobham according to contact at local fire station when stationed nearby as reporter.

Continued drive but fell into deep thought about new desk for home office (old one fell apart when picked up day before, most unexpected but not wholly unwelcome) and drove straight past South Mimms exit. Had to go to Potters Bar to turn back and called in at South Mimms services to regroup where was seduced by abovementioned chocolate bears, bars etc.

Am resolved to be more organised, and eat less chocolate, except when necessary to maintain good spirits and positive outlook.