Only when I laugh

Tuesday, June 8th, 2004

It never rains but it pours.

I saw my GP today, to get the ear checked out. She had a look and decided it was healing fine – probably no perforation of the ear drum, just maybe a tiny puncture. Rather red and swollen deep inside it. Should get my hearing back in two or three weeks.

So I took the opportunity to show her a rash on my arm that had developed overnight.

Probably scabies, she said.

Bloody marvellous.

The blotches have spent the day enthusiastically chasing each other all over my legs, arms and body and have started making inroads onto my face. I look a right sight.

points out, quite reasonably, that I'm allergic to everything in the world ever, and if she had a pound for every time I'd developed a sudden and unsightly rash for no readily apparent reason she'd be living a life of idle luxury by now instead of running around making me noodles. This is undeniable. I'm particularly prone to this happening when the weather turns warm. And they don't itch, yet, which scabies is infamous for.

Nevertheless, I'm taking the diagnosis seriously and have got some sort of ointment to slather myself in from throat to toe and then wash off in the morning. The instructions for applying it are distressingly intimate. Oh deep and enduring joy…

According to the doctor, if the blotches are scabies they should clear up about the same time as the ear. So I'll be spending the next few weeks doing my famous impersonation of a half-deaf pizza.

I won't post photos.

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I'm Andy Darley. Sometimes I want to say things. This is where I do it.